I have a confession: I broke my own heart. I cheated on myself. I betrayed me. It took heartbreak to unveil this truth. And once my betrayal was apparent, I didn’t know how to undo the damage, unravel the web of lies I was living, or get out.
So I ran. I ran until my hip screamed for a break, and then piled another 20 miles on top of that. It was already an imbalanced mess of compensations from triathlon at that point, and I doubted that another 20, 200, 20000 miles would hurt. It did… My heart, however, began to heal.
Despite the nagging pain, I ran incessantly. 3 half marathons, 2 marathons, and one epic trail race in 7 weeks. I had to. The alternative? Lose my mind.
From New York to California, running didn’t simply keep me sane. It healed me. There, alone on the muddy trails and dusty roads, I could feel God taking my hand.
“Trust me kid. I’ve got you. Let go and let me lead you through this. It might hurt, but wait until you see what I have for you on the other side.”
So I trusted. And it hurt. But I waited.
This morning I woke up on the other side. My hip still reminds me daily of what I put my body through. But my heart is so, SO full!
Because I’ve forgiven myself for all the times I chose to prove myself, or please someone else instead of love myself and love others, which is really what God put us here to do after all!
I’ve forgiven myself for cheating on me, and embraced all God made me to be. That girl may be loud and bright and forget to brush her hair, but I will never betray her again. It wasn’t until I accepted her that I could even set out on the difficult journey of bush-whacking through the debris to get her back.
If you want to find yourself, let go. Trust God, He knows the way to the other side. I can’t tell you what it will look like. But for me, it looks like an overgrown, abandoned road 2000 feet above Kona that I’m running on in the sunshine with my husband. It looks like gelato and pyramids with my girlfriends. It looks like 5am wake-up calls from roosters so I can grab a cup of Kona coffee and write a few articles. It looks like… It was worth the pain. Worth the forgiveness. Worth being true to me, and truly loving those I’m sharing this trail through life with.
This is the other side.